Lucky Me!

I have gone my whole life feeling unlucky.
I was never good at sports, cheerleading, playing board games, buying lottery tickets, and the like.
Since fourth grade, when I got my first pair of glasses and realized that I'd been living half blind, I realized I was probably always going to be blind as a bat. Thank God for contact lenses.
When there was a play in school, I never got the part I wanted (I always wanted to be the "funny one.") Because I was short, they always made the "short one."
I was a good singer, but too afraid to sing in front of people, so I never became a rock star.
One thing I was really good at? Drinking! I could hold my own with the best of them, and I was proud of that.
Drinking gave me a reason to tell myself that I could always be good at everything. (See above). When I embellished my stories from my life, I was, well, damn good at everything. Oh, and I was also a good liar. Example: When I went ice skating for the first time at age 10 with my friend Ellen, I told her, when she commented on how good I was, "Oh yes, I'm up for the Olympic Team."
So, I've also always been good at being full of crap.
I was born a klutz; a person who always needed to move fast on very short legs. (Note to self: This does not work well).
Finding self-deprecating humor, after quitting drinking, I decided to go a new route.
I learned how to be the life of the party and be quick with witty banter. I'd tell everyone I was a "Jack of all trades, master of none." I wore that badge well.
The truth was, I wanted to be good at something. I wanted to be one of "those lucky bastards" that could see straight, sing out loud, play sports well, and understand algebra. It just never happened.
When you walk around on this planet convinced you are unlucky and good at nothing, that is what you will be. That was me.
So, one day, I decided it might be a good idea to take a "Pollyanna" approach. I even blogged about it in a post about Pollyanna.
Now in my late forties, I look at my life (albeit with strong glasses on).
Yes, I'm still blind as a bat. But I've got a great smile. :-) Now I know if I stun them with the pearly whites, they might not notice that I spilled food on my shirt because I couldn't see the spoon in front of my face.
I'm short, but that's another nice thing. When I do fall from my klutziness, I'm much closer to the ground than most folks.
I sing today, and my children see me as a rock star, especially when I grab a wooden spoon and sing, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benetar - head bobbing and all.
As a mom I do pretty well. First of all, I have two adopted kids. Do you know how hard it is to adopt? I got my kids in like, five minutes because, well, instead of flying to another country, I became a foster mom. I believe in Karma - what you put out there you get back a thousand fold. My intention was to plant a seed in the mind of a less-fortunate and abused child that there could be a better life. In return, as I sent countless foster kids out my door, I ended up with two fantastic kids with great manners, old souls, and beautiful hearts that I got to KEEP! And the adoption cost, like, $142.00!
When I got divorced, it wasn't pretty by any means. But what I learned was that I had the strength to fight for what I believed in, and I was stronger than I ever believed I could be. I found out I was, and have always been, a survivor. I would not ever let anyone knock me down if I belived wholeheartedly in what I was doing. This was really something I didn't know about myself.
After my divorce, I flew to Maui alone, met some fantastic people that the Universe set in my path (When the student is ready, the teacher appears). On that journey, I gave up on things I had no control over, and along the way, found peace, and the path to my new profession.
When it was time to plant roots, I looked at Mt. Rainier, and knew that Washington was the place for me. A little house went up for sale, and it had my name on it. I get to call it home, and it's mine to make as comfy as I need. I have my own roof!
I actually pay my bills, and on time!
I went to college AGAIN, and in the midst of sickness, made it through with flying colors and came out the other side stronger and much more knowledgeable in Kinesiology! How many people can say that?
I met up with a fellow student who had a fantastic business sense and a business plan. We hunted for months, and then friends and the universe found us the right place, the right money and the right idea to start our own business. It's just getting off the ground, but via my big mouth, my partner's brains and monetary skills, there is no doubt that we will kick ass and take names. On top of that, in our jobs, we get to feel good about helping other people feel better.
The other day, I met someone who told me that I was an amazing human being. I really couldn't understand that. I don't think I'm so amazing. Hearing someone tell you something like that, when you grew up with the mindset that you were unlucky, is a little hard to hear or believe, so I choked that down and had to ask again, "Are you sure?"
It's funny, they say "You only see that which you wish to see." In realizing that I had been focusing on all I was bad at, I never really looked at all I was good at; how lucky I was.
Turns out I was really good at quitting drinking.
I'm good at making other people feel comfortable in their own skin.
I'm also good at blowing giant spit bubbles (thanks to my son), and making other people laugh. My being a survivor allowed me the ability to have quick comebacks and fit into almost any crowd.
My little box that I've been living in has been coming open, cardboard flap by cardboard flap, and I am reaching out of it! The universe has been putting people in to my life who are making me see that I can grow, that I might be willing to try new and different things.
I still am a klutz; probably always will be. I embrace my klutziness!
Now, I embrace the me I am growing in to. The woman who has been judged, who now carries very little judgement. The mom who knows she is not perfect, but accepts that she will make mistakes, and will say I'm sorry.
The woman, who isn't sure how to date, or be around an extremely cute guy without going ga ga. Yes, I can speak in front of five hundred people with no problem, but put a handsome man in front of me paying me a compliment, and I become a blubbering idiot. I think to myself, "Is he talking to ME?" Does he really like me? Not possible." But I had to ponder this today while sitting on a sunny Seattle beach (how often does THAT happen, by the way?) I have really done some amazing things. They may not be amazing to anyone but me, but yes, they are amazing.
What you see is what you get with me. I am proud to say I will no longer pretend to be that person I grew up thinking I wanted to be: a freckle-faced Connecticut Yankee girl who wore the right clothes and knew which fork was which on a fancy dinner table.
Today I get to choose who Maureen is. Every day. This girl still wants to make people feel good when they are with me, but I don't change who I am for them. They either like me or they don't. I'm open to new things - I know it's a small thing, but I actually sang karaoke, for the first time in 20 years. Why a big deal? Because in the days when I was a wanna be rock star and sang lead in a band, I had to drink a twelve pack just to have the courage to go on stage. A week ago, nervous as hell, I got up there in the near-empty bar, and bellowed out a Fleetwood Mac song, my knees knocking together. Not a drop to drink, and my friends cheering me on. Now that's cool.
I may never jump out of an airplane, or win at Monopoly, or become Mother of the Year, but I'm happy with me.
Still a work in progress, but today, a very lucky gal.
I'd like to write more, but I just poked myself in the eye with my remote control, so I'd better go.
Cheerth!