An Easy Life? Uhhhhh, I Call "BS" on THAT!

Holy Cow; life is not easy.

I think someone once (or twice) told me that life wasn't easy; I just don't think I got what they meant until I had a lot of difficulties rolled in to one five year, non-stop period of time.

Now I'm not here to say that my difficulties are any worse or better than anyone else's. I'm just saying I wish I'd REALLY known that being a grown up can be really crummy.

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to be "in charge" of my siblings, or be cool enough to babysit, drive, work. I pictured myself being so in charge that I'd never go to church, wear whatever I wanted, eat dessert before dinner, and eat a gallon of ice cream on command if that's what I deemed necessary for my survival. I really wanted and couldn't wait to get an apartment - for the freedom of not living with my parents and for being able to do my "own thing." That was a great experience! I had an excellent roommate and for a long time we had tons of the kinds of fun you can have when you are young and clueless. 

Fast forward to jobs, taxes, marriage, marriage gone bad, divorce, divorce from hell with children involved, anger and hatred as my middle name for a while, "he said/she said" court nightmares, splitting the CD collection, and most importantly, divorce lawyer bills.

After you add all that up, you end up being broke and apart and both of you starting over, no matter how it started to begin with or who started it or whose "fault" it was.

As a woman with primary custody, I am so happy to have my children with me. They visit their dad, so I do get a break, but I work two (soon to be three) jobs. I try to keep the kids happy, do the laundry, pay the bills, clean the house, mow the lawn - survive. I compartmentalize everything and live by strictly priority. "Food? Isn't there some Ramen Noodle soup somewhere? Oh, yes, you must have a bath, it's been way too long."

The only reason I MUST force myself to go to the store is when we are out of milk for cereal. Otherwise, it's a crapshoot until the cupboards are bare and ketchup sandwiches might get me a visit by DCF.

I do it alone. My immediate family is not close by a long shot (figuratively and literally), and as a person who was used to a military lifestyle, I became very used to not getting too close to people because I knew I'd be gone to a new town in two years - three max. Each and every new station was a do-over AND temporary.

Now I'm divorced, forced to be in the same town as long as the ex is here, and now I am forced to actually become a member of society. I'm failing; and I'm not sure I really care to pass.

First of all, I'm way too busy to socialize. Then there's the actual down time I have away from the kids. I'm 49; I just want to catch up on my sleep because let's face it, I have two kids under 10! Being on high alert 24/7 is brutal, especially when approaching mental pause. Brutal. I believe they make pills for this.

Being 49 doesn't give me lots in common with other parents at the elementary school, (except maybe I might be as old as THEIR parents who are retired and living somewhere warm), and being a divorced woman doesn't bode well with many women who are married. I'm single and available, and (not always, but sometimes), a threat. 

Some of my married friends (I have like, three)  continue to include me and invite me to functions where lots of couples hang out; there's nothing worse, in my mind, than being the only single gal at a party (except maybe emptying the dishwasher - my most hated chore). So, I stay away from my well-meaning pals. It's really just not the same. Their hearts are big, but it's just weird for me. I love them, but it's all me and I hate being a third wheel.

The dating thing. My ex has a girlfriend; good for him. It keeps him busy, hopefully happy and moving on. There are six days a week when he doesn't have the kids, so I'm thinking it's easier for him to find time to date and keep a (majorally) kid-free house without too much stress.

Divorced/Single men my age are mostly without kids (all grown up) and are ready to party, ride motorcycles, quads, travel the world, or just sleep in minus the worry of the kid thing. They've done their time!!! Sadly, I don't offer that option because I'm "attached" at least for, well, 11 more years through my kid's school years.

I never thought I'd appreciate my parents more than I do now (that happens when you become a parent and finally "get it");  I don't think I've ever missed being close to my family before now, and I've never had a problem getting a date, until now.

I know lots of divorced moms (and dads) who give up on having a life for themselves, focusing on being a parent - being unselfish because this is their job they signed on for. Man, they are much better people than I am! I never offered or was willing to climb up any cross, hang there and be declared a martyr because my marriage failed, nor did I decide to stop being a WOMAN when I became a divorced woman/mother. Still the same body parts/mind/desires, only smarter cuz I'm past the whole "need to be married" thing. I still want to date, have fun, live life. It's just not coming as easy as it is, say, for my ex (and for many other men I've met/interviewed regarding dating after divorce).  Apparently there are lots of chicks out there eager to date a guy with kids, and many less men willing to be as crazy as those silly women mentioned above, LOL. (Probably rightly so).

I'm not looking for marriage. I'm not looking for rescue. I'm just looking to be looked at as a commodity as opposed to a rarity - a 49 year old with kids under ten. (No joke, I get how nuts THAT is, myself). But, aside from many (admitted) flaws, I'm pretty cool (my kids think so, anyway), and I'm funny, responsible, somewhat easy on the eye (when you look down far enough to actually see my eyes since I'm only 5'1" tall), etc. You get my drift.

I believe things will happen as they are supposed to; and it's not always in MY IDEAL time frame. I know I should join a club or something to meet new people (men and women alike), but I've got to be able to stay awake long enough to do that. Is there a club for "Please give me hints on how to stay awake long enough to watch a full OnDemand movie at home?"

I'm happy to have the love of my kids and my friends here and across the country; I'm blessed that way. My profession is one I LOVE and am passionate about; it is also a gift in my life. I really am grateful for so much I am given and never doubt those gifts. I just wish upon wish, that I wasn't so far away from those friends who supported me from day one of my life, and I admit it here and now; if it takes a village to raise a child, my teepee needs some duct tape and I need a nanny and some tranquilizers, LOL. I need my backup peeps; my possee. (You know who you are). 

The stamina will come back, and some day I'll look back and say, "Man, that went by fast." But for today, I say, "Wow, motherhood is not for sissies" (single or not), and dammit, maybe I should start perusing the 30 year old crowd; I might have better luck at dating. But again, I'd have to actually be awake enough to peruse. I don't think I will find them in that "Hints to stay awake" club, so I think for now I'm outta luck. 

Just had to share. Not complaining, just making observations about things they don't tell you about when you are growing up. Things like when my mom used to say, "Oh, you have it SOOOOO easy now. Just wait until you have to work and pay taxes." I wish she'd said instead, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LIFE HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE MAKING PLANS. SUCK IT UP SWEETIE, WE ALL HAVE OUR CROSSES TO BEAR. NOW GET UP ON THAT CROSS AND SUFFER FOR THE CAUSE. IF YOU ACCEPT IT NOW, IT'LL BE A LOT EASIER WHEN THAT 2X4 OF REALITY HITS YOU SQUARE IN THE FOREHEAD. (Oh and hopefully you'll have medical insurance when that happens, too). Oh, and don't forget, when you hit 35 don't be surprised if you are sitting in your car, buckled up in your seatbelt and you sneeze and throw your back out. Yea, stuff like that is what you got comin' so enjoy every time you trip and don't break a bone, every time you just "bounce" when you blow over the handlebars of your bike, or the fact that we are giving you a roof over your head and you don't have to pay a penny. Yessirree, Bob, you got it lucky now and hell to pay later."

Yup. 

She should have told me. 

No one ever said it was gonna be easy. 

I'm just a little miffed they didn't say it was going to be sometimes very freaking DIFFICULT.

Rats!

Mom always said, "Ignorance is Bliss." Maybe she wasn't as right as she was maybe saying all of the above by just minimizing it with the simple statement of "Ignorance is bliss."

Thanks, Ma. LOL!

Now that this blather is all out of my brain, and it's a very late (8:06 pm), it's way past my bedtime and I'm calling it a night.

You see, I'll be dating in no time with this schedule, don't you think?

Cheerth!