Lions and Tigers and Bears - OH MY!

So there comes a time when you must somehow pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
Dear God, I've had to do that so many times it should be second nature.
But it's never second nature to get to a point when you take a serious look at yourself, say, "What the hell is happening and why am I on this path?"
I have had a tumultuous life, lightly peppered with good experiences that (always) kept me going. (Isn't it the good the keeps up the hope for more of it?)

I find myself now, a single, divorced mom of 49, living a life where I should be joyous that I have a home, a car, money earned in a job I love, two healthy children, and my "touch and go" health.

Am I joyous? No.
I am sad, lonely, resentful, and very, very, tired. Jeez, I'm 49 with kids under ten. Who wouldn't be?

I've had my share of making bad choices. I've said and done the wrong things. I'm naive. More than I ever thought or accepted.

I've learned things about human nature and people that I'd rather not know. (And NOT from watching Reality TV).

I've done things I'd normally never be proud of myself for, all under the guise of "new experiences" and "new freedoms." What I've found is that I was okay with a few "new" and safe things, but not okay with going balls-to-the-wall trying to break a speed record in every new thing I do.

In this "search" of my new self, I've discovered that I haven't a clue who I am, or who I'm meant to be. I only really know who I was, and what was unacceptable about that and what I wanted to change.

For sure, no more giving people lots of chances to prove themselves. I dislike fair weather friends, and I accumulated a lot of them.
People with empty promises are no more in my life.
My oldest and dearest friends are still my rocks, but they are not close and although I will ALWAYS rely on them, I find that it is nearly impossible for me to let anyone new in. And the truth is, maybe I just don't want to. I've really been disappointed so many times. (Oh, and surely I've disappointed others as well). I find it easier to be alone in the safe place of non-disappointment. Then I find it incredibly hard to live a life of loneliness. You can't have it both ways.

Either way, I have no answers other than every single thing I do in every single day is generally governed by a choice I make.
Today I have decided that I will go with what I know to be safe. New experiences are a choice, and I can choose to make them or not.
No more going outside of my comfort zone of what I know works unless I am feeling very daring and have a safety net. That's what is going to work for me for a while until I feel steady on my ruby slippers again.
I need to live a life I'd be proud to look at under a microscope; and I've gone a bit outside the right petri dish for that.

Time to get back on course, on the right path, back to the Yellow Brick Road that will take me back to my home; where I learned that I really didn't need any help, because I always had the power within me to get back to where I needed to be.

(Clicking my heels as we speak)...