He Want Some Cookie; It’s That Simple - Or is It?

Because I am divorced now, and because I’ve been out of the dating loop for a long time, I’ve talked to single and married friends about dating - all just to get their input.

Then I started looking on line because, if there are videos on YouTube about Pop Tarts, you know there is dating info out there! Wow! There are so many sites about how to get men, find men, keep men, know when men like you, have a crush on you, or even just when they’re “not that in to you.” 

Recently I was in Costco and saw a book called “Straight Talk, No Chaser” by Steve Harvey.  The cover also says “How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man.” Well, I thought to myself, “This is the book for me!” The last man/woman relationship book I read was in, like, 1996 or something, and it was “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.” I was married at the time, and actually read it to my then-hubby as we were driving across country. We laughed and laughed, as so much of it was true. But hey, when you’re married, you’re already in the long term relationship, so you can laugh about these things. It seems a whole different world when you are single and thinking about dating.

I have met lots of guys in my day, (and I didn’t date all of them, FYI. I do have a brother and a father), and, I’ve also had lots of guy friends. (Mr. Harvey says that really isn’t cool to do, but I’ll get to that in a minute).  

I have dated sports fans who wouldn’t leave the TV set, heavy drinkers who wouldn’t leave the bar, workaholics who wouldn’t leave the job, bad boys, military men, and guys who were really so very nice that I didn’t know what the heck they were wanting to date ME for. On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve been head over heels crazy for guys who ended up being gay (hiding in the military, of course, so my “Gaydar” didn’t go off), and have had the unfortunate privilege of being in the very awkward situation of meeting two devastatingly handsome men who happened to be MY GYNECOLOGISTS. One visit and one look was all it took me to know I was done being their patient. New OBGYN time! In my opinion there is is almost nothing worse than having a good looking gynecologist. I’d rather be in a room full of monkeys flinging their poo at the zoo, quite frankly. Horrendous way to meet someone, even if dating was never an option. How uncomfortable AND unfortunate! (Women who marry gynecologists - never known one personally - how would THAT be? That’s a whole other post, I think.)

I once dated a guy who was immediately jealous of my guy “buddies”, so I dumped him like a hot potato. Then there was the wonderful man who was so into his feminine side that he offered to draw my bath and wanted to paint my toenails. “Holy Mother of God!” I thought. Who am I, Liza Minelli?  (Well, that woman can sing, so that might not be so bad, attracting gay men who marry straight women),  but this man wasn’t gay; he adored women and was really in touch with making them comfortable and doing things with them that they enjoyed.  After that, though,  I thought, “Marriage has ruined me for life. I’m done for in the "picking men" category.

Now I’ve read Mr. Harvey’s book. I feel like I know what I already knew, but he validated that I was right. I must admit that there was also new insight added to my knowledge of masculine wiles as well. 

One thing I already knew: Men like “Cookie” - and LOTS of it. This is his word for “sex.” This is also something every woman on the planet already knows. It’s not our word for it, though. Most married women I know say, “Uggh. He wants to ‘do it’ AGAIN.” Yep, it’s the truth. Women say that to each other. No lies here. Dating women say, “Ahhhhhh, we stayed in bed all day and he brought me breakfast in bed, it was sooooooo romantic.” See the disparity here? Mr. Harvey explains, in his “guy” knowledge, how we get from one to the other and how NOT to let that happen in a relationship.

Harvey breaks “myths” about what women think about men. Like that men are not intimidated by women who make more money than they do, and that men don’t NOT approach “strong” women because they are intimidated by them. (There goes my excuse #1).

He tells us why “Sugar Daddies” will never last, and refers to those men as “Sponsors.” I’ve never had one of those, so I can’t comment. (Hmmmmm....possibilities!)

He tells us to ask more questions and dig deeper when meeting a man. The goal would be to find out the REAL reason why his last relationship didn’t work, and once you get the truth, you decide if that is something you can handle so you will actually commit to dating the guy.  He lists the questions you need to ask. (Buy his book or borrow mine if you wanna know. The guy is an author and I’m not gonna steal his stuff).

Another biggie that I didn’t know: Always be “on.” This means looking your best. If you are out to get a man, then look good wherever you go. If you look good, you feel good. If Mr. Right is in the produce aisle at the grocery store, and he’s looking for Ms. Right, who is he gonna choose, you (all dressed up and looking snazzy), or the chick in sweat pants and no makeup? I know when I look my worst, that’s when I see the cutest guys on the planet, and I’d like to shrink down to ant-size and disappear. I finally figured that out long ago - and it wasn’t about men. It was about feeling my best, so I took pride in my appearance again. But I agree with Steve Harvey here. Presentation is everything. I have a girlfriend who says, “Honey, I can BRING IT and I wear the clothes to prove it.” She does, too. Never seen her in sweats in the year I’ve known her. Full make up, even if she’s “dressed down.” There is, for sure, something to be said for that.

He talks alot about why “Cookie” is very important to a man. That “The release we (men) get from sex is essential to our existence....” It “recharges our batteries”, “feeds our egos” and “releases a bit of the pressure cooker tension we feel.” We read you loud and clear now! Thanks!

The few biggies I got were that he says every woman should not have sex with a guy for 90 days after first meeting a new man. This prevents a man from just basically not buying the cow when you can get the milk for free, and it weeds out the non-serious candidates. Our mommies told us this, but they didn’t put a time limit on it - just ownership of a wedding ring.

Another biggie was this question in the back where he answers women’s inquiries about men’s thoughts: Question: “Do men treat their friends who become love interests in the same way as they do strangers who become love interests?” Mr. Harvey’s answer: “Look, the only reason you were friends in the first place was because he didn’t think there was any chance of your relationship developing romantically. Know that he’s been eyeballing you from day one; no man is looking to be just a friend. He wanted you from the start. He settled for friendship because he didn’t think you would have him otherwise...” JUST LIKE IN “When Harry Met Sally” and Billy Crystal’s character tells Meg Ryan’s character “Men and women can’t be friends!” Wow! Nora Epheron is sooooooo cool! She already warned us long before Mr. Harvey, God Bless her! I just thought since she was a woman writer, she was making it up, now I know it’s true. Only gay men are safe!

The last biggie, and this happened to me: Question: “When a man says “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I’m not ready for you” as an excuse for breaking off a relationship, is he just sport fishing?” His answer: “ Not necessarily. Sometimes a guy is being honest. Sometimes he’s not willing or simply cannot give you what you want, and honorable guys will tell women that. If he says, “I’m not for you, you deserve better,” take his words as a blessing....” and it ends with, “So be smart about it; thank him, tell him you appreciate his honesty, and go on about your business.”

Thank you, Mr. Harvey. I needed to hear that, because I am like many other women in that when a guy says that, I want to put on my little Rumpelstiltskin costume and jump up and down until I go through the floor yelling, “WHY, WHY, WHY? WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME? WHY NOT ME?”  (Could it be that I'm nuts and am 46 with two rugrats? Maybe....) So, now I know that he’s doing me THE BIG FAVOR and next time I’ll curtsy and say, “Why thank you kind sir, for being honest; now I’ll just move on to the next kindly gentleman who comes my way.” 

This was indeed a learning experience, reading this book. I suggest it for men and women both.

In between what I’ve summarized here, Harvey basically talks about mutual respect and love. And that’s really the gist of it, isn’t it? We would all love to be partnered up and/or married to our best friends. Wouldn’t that be cool? My friend, referred to in previous posts as “Mrs. Svelte” and I have a deal: we realized we were women soul mates, and if we ever wanted to “bat for the other side” then we’d be partners together forever, our kids a package deal! That won’t happen, but I’d love to be living with/married to someone I actually enjoyed being around. I didn’t have that in my marriage for a long time (and I can’t speak for my ex, but I imagine he might say the same), and that might be something to shoot for. Before I head in that direction, though, I’m gonna stop reading, start living, dress up for ME and become stronger, faster, more powerful. Kinda like Jaime Somers in the Bionic Woman. Yea, that’s me...The Bionic Woman. Where the hell is Lee Majors when you need him?

Cheerth!