Braces are For Sissies! Look at THIS Thing!

Well, did I make a mistake! 

Yesterday I blogged about Bad Karma and getting a retainer at age 45. 

Today I went to the dentist and turned in my retainer for the "device" he built for me to try and fix my bite because I WILL NOT wear braces. He "created" a special dental "thingie" for me. We are going to try and reverse the damage my back teeth growing down to meet each other caused, (the Grand Canyon-sized space between my top and bottom teeth are the result of that. Please read previous blog to be kept up to speed on this drama; please. It is killing me to even speak of these dental catastrophes; it makes them more real and I'd rather be in dental denial.)

Anyway, today I got to see the "thingie" he created for me, and had it "installed." (Dental lingo for wedging something that does not belong in your mouth into your mouth anyway. If it sounds scientific, it makes it more acceptable to terrified dental patients.) 

Oh, and let me first say that even though my back teeth grew down to meet each other because I was wearing a "corrective" bite splint for 5 1/2 years too long, I reported my dentist's treatment plan for me incorrectly in that previous blog post because I did not quite understand it correctly enough to actually report on it, I guess.

We are NOT waiting for my front teeth to grow down farther to counteract the abnormal growth of my molars. (Sorry, Osmonds, no new members for your family just yet, but you do have enough now, so you really won't miss me, will you?)  We are hoping that this device will actually FORCE my molars BACK UP so that my front teeth will eventually have a lovely reunion - meeting each other after a long separation - happily able to bite fingernails once again. (Key the romantic orchestral Muzak now please).

I will wear this thing for maybe a year. It comes off, but it fits really tight, and makes the space between the top and bottom teeth bigger in the front than it was via plastic wedges that feel like I'm chewing on a pencil all day long.  Remember, we want to MASH my molars together as much as we can to force them back up into the gums. The dentist said, "If you can eat with this on, that would be great! The more you chomp those teeth together, the better off you'll be!" I think, "Heck, Dr. Dentist, thanks for helping me, but really isn't that what got me in this mess to begin with?"

So he wedges this thing on to my back top teeth, and there's like a bridge from one side of my mouth to the other. Jeez, it's like suffocating. Oh, and man, I have only had it, like, eight hours, and wow, am I thirsty. There's no getting at the roof of my mouth! They told me to "start" slow with the eating until I get used to it. Six hours in I thought I'd try an M&M, (yes, peepee M&Ms, in case you were wondering), and the little pieces that I couldn't chomp up got stuck inside the bridge, giving me a choking sensation! I tried not to panic and had to take about 45 seconds to force the thing off my teeth! Don't know if I'll ever "get used to" having a wedge of plastic in my mouth enough to actually use it to eat.  Do these dentists ever have to wear this kind of stuff? I mean, I'm grateful that he is giving me an alternative to braces, but heck, if he walked around with, let's see, how can I describe it? Oh, yeah, the equivalent of a plastic brick-like girdle on his teeth, would he eat? I DON'T THINK SO.

So, before I end, it occurs to me that if I can force my teeth back in, is it possible that I can also, given the right device, possibly force my saggy boobs back in, so they will be more "perky" again, or my spare tire GUT back in so I have "six pack abs" again? (Oops, wait, I NEVER had six-pack abs. Never-mind), but you get my drift. Wouldn't that be cool? Just being able to build a device to push bad stuff back "up" or "in" amazes me. I'll have to think about this. I have so many things on my body that I'd like to go back up or in again. There might be material for another blog post in here somewhere. (Of course, this material will not be made of plastic, and I will be able to eat while writing it). You'll just have to stay tuned to find out. 

CHEERTHS!