Fantasy vs. Reality: Life with Children

So now I get it. 

I am not in charge of ANYTHING anymore.

I tell myself, "You're the mom. What you say goes." 

HA!!!!!   Not true.

I have every intention of "running the show" in my home, but my toddler has every intention of proving me wrong every day.

Having kids is humbling. A joy, but very humbling.

Here's the thing: There's the idea you have of a baby, then there's the reality of what taking care of a baby actually entails. 

As a childless person, I said, "Awwww, what a cute baby!" That's that.

As a person with children now, I know that the IDEA of having kids and the REALITY of having kids are two very different things! Now I know why my mother used to say, (I think EVERY mother says this to their kids), "JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE YOUR OWN KIDS. THEN YOU'LL UNDERSTAND."

Me at 16: "Yea, right, Ma. Dream on and stop bitchin."

Me at 45: "Thank God she's no longer here so I don't have to eat crow and tell her she was right." Man, would she be laughing her a** off right about now! As a matter of fact, I think lots of people who knew me "BC", (Before Children), are actually laughing their a**es off right now at my expense, and rightly so.

When you are childless, wanting kids, and you actually GET kids, (I say "get" because I adopted mine), you think of pretty dresses and barrettes and pink clothes, dolls, baseball games, soccer, tree houses, and undying love and admiration.

What you really "get" is zillions of feedings in the middle of the night, (now I think I know why breast feeding is so cool - no trudging to the kitchen to heat up a bottle before you trudge to the baby's room and feed them. With "built in" bottles, you just go to the baby. No pit stops!)

Okay, so, to continue. There's really the "no sleep" factor. Based on this alone, I'd never have a baby again! And I didn't even go through carrying the baby and delivering the baby! Yes, I am a wuss! I hear women say, "Well, you wait long enough, and the absolute joy of having the first baby helps you "forget" the pain of the previous delivery! HUH? Seriously? I only did the lack-of-sleep part and I'll tell ya, I haven't "forgotten" that just because I am so overjoyed to have the kid! I'm honest! I love the kid  "to infinity and beyond", but I am happy to admit that I a person who needs and values my rest! Fuggedaboudit!

Then, there's toddlerhood. 

My son, adopted at age four, came to me walking and talking because he was old enough to do so. That made understanding his needs much easier because he could verbalize things. Plus, he is a boy, and they say boys are "easier." My boy was and continues to be "easy." In his case, very true.

My daughter, who arrived at almost two weeks old, really taught me some lessons! She was a premie, and in her case, that built the groundwork for assurance as an independent kid who is a fighter. Boy, can she fight!

First, why did I ever think I could dress her in little pastel-colored dresses? My daughter HATES dresses. My daughter hated shoes! When I was NOT a mom, I used to look with disdain upon women who carried kids into a store and their poor little feet were hanging out - no shoes, only socks! I thought, "How terrible! NO SHOES? Horrid!" Then I got me one of those.

My daughter hates tights. She hates the feel of nylon on her skin, period. Forget tights. Forget dresses.

As a matter of fact, she will only wear things that are PINK. Only PINK. But not pink tights, dresses, or skirts. Pink sweat pants. No pink shorts, capris, jeans. Just pink sweatpants.

She will wear Disney princess themed clothing, as long as the clothing is pink. No, it can't be purple, or blue or green with princesses; it can only be PINK.

Another misnomer on my part about kids: At age two, she started picking out her own clothes. She went out of the house looking like a logger, only a logger who likes wearing pink! I had to learn to swallow my pride and my IDEA of how she should look - as if she is an extension of me. Now I know that she is her own person, and I am just standing in the way of her getting her way if I worry about petty stuff like, "Oh Gosh, she looks like a logger (no offense, loggers). Why won't she wear that little Donna Karan baby dress that I got as a hand-me-down?"

Oh, I begged for a while...but it never worked. She would rather be completely naked than wear blue jeans with a white shirt. So, I say, "Damn, is this kid gonna live here forever? Because I already see that she will most likely win." Premonition? NOOOO. Fact - but I can hope, can't I?

She's teaching me great life lessons; I'm a better parent because of her.

She's got me trained well - I'm right where she needs me to be.

I'm so ashamed. She whips me on a regular basis - really. She'll sock me in the face - it's a given. Why, just in case I forget who is boss, she's going to let me know. We're working on that. She's been "socking" me since she was six months old. It's genetic, I'm sure. My son wouldn't hit me ever, it's just how he is. They are very different, and that keeps me on my toes. (We're working on the parental abuse - two vs. 45 -by the way - but it is indeed embarrassing to be hit in public by a toddler. And NO, I DO NOT EVER smack her back. To me, that's like saying "Don't hit" while you're hitting her. Mixed message? I think so. I don't believe in spanking. Yeah, yeah, give me hell, but I don't, and I don't want to hear from you who will berate me for this. Do what works for you. This is what I do).

Anyway, I am very grateful to have my kids. People wait years and years for a baby. I got lucky enough to get two awesome kids that I was able to adopt. We were meant for each other, period.

There's nothing better in the world than experiencing the love of a child. It is here when you need it, and they love you no matter what. (Until they are teens, I hear, but let me dream, okay?)

I have learned that I cannot project on my children who I need or want them to be. That has been a great and humbling lesson. So, I have a gorgeous white dress with matching patent leathers for toddler, and she will NEVER wear it. I am taking my lessons where I can get them. I am learning to let her be herself; I'm jealous. She's at the point where she gets to "discover" new things and learn who she is. 

Heck, I've been paying for a therapist for 25 years, and I still don't know that for myself! My girl is way ahead of me;  a great teacher, and she gives great hugs. My boy is the same - his own person - and very loving and kind as well. Yes, the reality of a kid is different than the fantasy you tell yourself. It's like anything else. Put high expectations on something, or make assumptions, and you will probably be disappointed or proved wrong.  I'm learning the greatest rule of life so far; acceptance. 

These kids completely accept the fact that they are going to have to teach me a few things.

Reality 101: Parenting is the hardest job you'll ever have; but so far, for me, it's been the most wonderful job I've ever had, the most fulfilling, and minus cash for your duties, you get hugs, kisses, home-made beaded necklaces and I get fresh dandelions every day, (in season), delivered to my door - thanks to my kids who see them as "lovely yellow flowers" and not the weeds they actually are. There's innocent optimism for you. I need to borrow a little of that from them. I think there's hope for me yet. (Is that just my fantasy?)

Cheerth!