Weight! You Look Absolutely Flabulous!

A very dear friend of mine told me today that her husband (we'll call him "Mr. Svelte") mentioned to her (let's call her "Mrs.

IUsedToWorkOutUntilIGotSoBusyWithFiveKidsAndBecameTheHeadOfTheNeighborhoodCarPoolLady) 

-WAIT ONE SECOND- (We'd better call her "Mrs. Svelte" for short because it's much easier than that alias I just made up)... 

Okay, so where was I? Oh yes; Mr. Svelte mentioned to Mrs. Svelte that he thought she "needed to lose weight, because, let's face it, you've gained a bit." My friend, Mrs. Svelte, was devastated. 

Let's be honest...we all know why she was devastated. There is not one person on earth who has ever gained even a half a pound that doesn't know it THEMSELVES. When a person gains weight, they don't need to be TOLD they have gained weight! Guess what? WE ALREADY KNOW! We know, and we hate ourselves for it.  We hate ourselves because gaining weight not only makes us feel physically less healthy, but because everywhere we look, we will always find skinnier people walking around who, by virtue of their very skinniness, make us feel even dumpier than we actually are.  

I am not going to go into great detail here on the psychology of weight gain. We've all seen enough about weight on TV, in magazines, and in newspapers to know that sometimes it's genetic, sometimes it's medicines or physical ailments that cause weight gain, and, believe it or not, quite frequently, weight gain can be caused by eating too much and not exercising! For whatever reason we "let ourselves go" - if indeed we happen to be one of the lucky ones who just overeats for the love of chocolate or potato chips or the sheer laziness of hating exercise - the truth is, we're just plain bigger than we intended to be, and and it stinks. But we do know it. When our pants get too tight, or our feet start to hurt from carrying the extra weight around, or because we finally see ourselves in a recent photo and want to die a thousand deaths because we know the camera does not "add 40 pounds" - we just KNOW it. So, having someone tell us we are "gaining a bit" just adds to the already seething hatred we have for ourselves for having to go buy new jeans AND new bras for the bigger breasts we get with that "bit" of weight we've put on.

I liken it to people who smoke. Smokers KNOW that smoking is no good for them. That it stinks, that it ruins your skin, your heart, your lungs, your breath, and still, they smoke. Smokers REALLY have it bad these days, as complete strangers never hesitate to make comments like "YUK - THAT IS SO GROSS" or "DON'T YOU KNOW SMOKING CAUSES CANCER?" Duh, no, smokers DON'T know that. Didn't you know smokers don't read or watch TV? "Thanks, Pal, for letting me in on the secret. I'll quit right away now that I have this knowledge. Man, I'm so grateful to you because you just saved my life."

It's all a choice. I know this because I am an ex-smoker by many years, and I have had my weight fluctuate for years. Once, about 17 years ago, I gained 60 pounds! At first, it was because my thyroid quit and I got pretty heavy pretty quickly. Once my thyroid medicine kicked in, though, I had no excuse - but I had gained 60 pounds. I felt horrible, felt ugly, hated myself, so I had to do something to kill that feeling. So, I ate! Couldn't blame it on the bad thyroid anymore, because now it had been about eleven years with meds, so it turned out to be my fault! I ate MORE than my husband at every meal, plus I had a craving for sweets like there was no tomorrow. I was HUGE. The huger I got, the more I ate, the worse I felt. I know that people who loved me were flabbergasted by my weight gain, but of course, the ONLY person who wanted to tell me I was "Not eating healthy foods" was my husband. Now, you can all say, "He loved you and he was just worried that you'd die an early death from heart disease." Nope, not it. He had fallen for a decent looking girl - five foot one and a half, about 120 lbs - and here she was - swallowed whole by this fat chick standing in front of him. How embarrassing! Also, yuk, who wants to sleep with THAT?

No amount of hinting to me that I wasn't "Being as healthy as I could be" ( husband-speak for "Lose some weight, fatty")  made me want to lose weight. As a matter of fact, I hated him for speaking the truth, and it just made me want to say, "Oh yeah? You think THIS is fat, JUST WAIT! Sta-Puffed Marshmallow Man, here I come!" It was only when I wanted to have myself back, feel good about me, for me, that I lost the weight. And, I battle with it all the time, STILL. Genetically, I come from hefty little Irish people (no, not fat leprechauns, but close). I don't get enough exercise, it's not a priority. Do I wish I were thin? You bet. Will I ever wear a bikini OR a one piece bathing suit again? Probably never - but I'm thinner than I've been in a very long time - just not "in shape." I've got other things on my mind. Like, will I ever get enough sleep so that I can feel refreshed enough to pay attention to my kids so they feel like they have my attention? My days are filled with alarm clocks, breakfast, toothbrushing, getting ready for school, doctor's appointments, paperwork, car pooling, cooking lunch, cleaning up from lunch, cleaning the house, paperwork, potty training, binky-removal, carpooling, homework, cooking dinner, cleaning up from dinner, bath time, prayers, story time, bed time, laundry, trying to catch five minutes of a recorded news program so as not to be so out-of-touch, and my "quiet time." The time I make for me now, while the kids are finally in bed, and it's quiet. Forgive me, please, if I'd rather not use this time at the gym. Maybe I'll die of heart disease, maybe I won't. But that's my choice, because it's my life. No one has to tell me that "If you just worked out, you'd feel a lot better," BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THAT.

So, Mrs. Svelte, you are not alone. And, it ain't easy. The thing is, when someone we love tells us something WE ALREADY KNOW, it makes us feel like they think we're not intelligent. As if we don't know that we don't look like we did when we were young, dating, carefree, and had all the time in the world for sun tanning, working out, running, and marathon sex. There is no good way for someone to tell anyone that they have "Gained a bit." Yes, the truth hurts, and being overweight does not look good or feel good, but it is up to the overweight individual to fix it (or not). Mr. Svelte gets to work out every day at the gym located on his work site. He doesn't have five kids with him all day begging for attention, so he doesn't know how hard it is to make time to pee alone, let alone work out. I'm not saying he has to like the way Mrs. Svelte looks, I just think that if he had to do HER job for six months, and she had to do his, he'd be a brain-dead mess hooked on chocolate and she'd be going to work, talking to grown ups, wearing nice clothes (minus the greasy fingerprints and formula stains) and she'd happily spend her lunch hour going to the gym.  

When the time is right, my friend, Mrs. Svelte, will either start working out, get heavier, or dump her husband and automatically lose weight from the stress of a pending divorce, where, she'll once again become "Miss SuperSingleSvelte." Then, inevitably, Mr. Svelte will be telling the boys at work, "What is it? When we were married she let herself go. Figures now just to spite me, she'd look great."  

Either way, it's her choice. If he'd have just not said a thing, she'd not resent him for being so "honest" and they'd live happily ever after...bikini or not. Either way you look at it, you love who you love because of who they are. Does it help if you are with someone who looks fabulous instead of flabulous? Absolutely. There's nothing better than walking into a room and being the envy of everyone there - "Wow, how'd he get HER?"  That's ego; for most of us, a little bit of flab is reality. Most days, I'm just happy I didn't get thrown up on, or peed on. That's big! 

Is there a NICE way to HINT to someone that they could "Stand to lose a little bit?" I try to put it as many ways as I can in my mind, and having been overweight, I just don't see any way that would make  the person on the receiving end say, "Oh, Honey, thanks so much. Armed with this information, I will now join a gym, eat right, and we will live happily ever after. Thank you for taking my health so seriously, since I didn't." Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm oversensitive. 

As a matter of fact, this has been so upsetting, that I REALLY need to go to the pantry right now and raid my daughter's "peepee M&Ms." She'll never miss them. I'd just better brush my teeth so she won't smell the chocolate on my breath and give me a lecture. That would make me so angry, that I'd have to raid the pantry and eat all her Princess Gummy Fruit Snacks just to get even.

Personal note to Mrs. Svelte:  I love you - skinny, fat, old or young, wrinkled, non-wrinkled, arthritic or not. You are my friend, you are bright, beautiful, and I'd trust you with my life. Never doubt that you are always beautiful, always valued, and always loved. Not only are you a fantastic mother, but a helluva friend that I am lucky to have. Never doubt who you are, or your worth in this life.

Enough said.