Karmic Paybacks: Braces At 45

I would like to share an experience, (one of many I've had), with karma. I believe in karma. Karma can really suck, or really be great, depending on what side of karma you happen to be on at the time.

Dictionary.com lists the definition of karma as: 

1. "action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation..."

2. "fate; destiny"

3. "the good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someone or something."

Okay. I remember the warning I got from my mother: "Never say Never."  

Well, anytime I said "I'd NEVER do/say/feel/be ________" - the thing I was "nevering" about always happened!

So, now I am proving that theory.

I have always been short. You know what Randy Newman said - "Short People Have No Reason to Live..." Being short has its advantages, but many disadvantages, too. Like, for example, if I were taller, my height would be in proportion to my weight, and I'd never have to diet.

I'm blind as a bat. Glasses since fourth grade, and my eyesight continues to go downhill yearly. If my glasses were crushed in an accident, I wouldn't know where I was or who I was talking to. Now that I'm all of 45, I need to actually wear reading glasses along with my contact lenses in order to see things up close. 

I always had freckles. LOTS of freckles. I hated having them as a kid, but now I like them. (Well, NOW they're actually classified as age spots).

The one thing I knew for sure: I was genetically pre-disposed to having great teeth with a great smile. This was the ONLY thing I could claim on my body that I LOVED. 

What am I getting at here? Well, my karmic payback in the never say never category is this: Never, ever, ever think that just because you were born with a great set of bucky beavers, that they will stay that way forever. 

Even though I really take good care of my teeth and always have, I now have to wear a retainer, and, I have been "offered" braces as well! 

Why? Because a dumb dentist many years ago fitted me with a bite guard for night time, (I grind my teeth in my sleep), that apparently should have been used for only 6 months or so. He neglected to mention that this type of appliance, called an NTI, (a guard that fits over only your top two front teeth to prevent your back teeth from mashing together by not allowing them to touch at all), is a temporary device. Somehow, I've worn mine for six YEARS! And guess what? Apparently, if you don't let your back teeth touch, (via bite guard or whatever), by the body's natural desire to have all things where they should be, your body will actually make those teeth touch! Just as if you break a bone or get a splinter, your body tries to find a way to right a "wrong." It protects itself. In my case, the "wrong" was that my teeth in the back weren't touching at night for enough years that my body - get ready for this - actually made my back teeth grow down more to get to the point where they actually could meet again! Who knew? I thought once your teeth grew in, you were done with teeth growing. Not so! Amazing scientific crap, right? Not so, if you are ME, looking at braces because of it.

Imagine my surprise, at a recent dentist visit, (new dentist, by the way), when I actually discover that I have a huge space between the top teeth and bottom teeth when I close my mouth. It's like an 1/8th of an inch! Of course I knew I couldn't bite my fingernails anymore (my teeth didn't meet enough to do that), but I didn't know there was such a big SPACE. You might say, "How WOULDN'T she know that?" Well, ask anyone who knows me: My mouth is NEVER shut long enough for me to have seen that there was actually a space the size of the Grand Canyon there.

When this dentist told me that I might need braces to fix my mouth (yes, I am lisping now because my tongue hits air when I make the "s" sound), I yelled right out loud in his office, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I MEAN, LOOK AT THEETHS PERFECT TEETH! AND I'M 45; I'M NOT GETTING BRATHES! I MEAN, I HAVE FRIENTHS WHO NEEDED BRATHES AND COULDN'T AFFORD THEM WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG, THO, ATH ADULTHS, THEY GOT BRATHES TO FINALLY FIXTH THEIR TEETH! I ADMIRE THEM! BUT I AM NOT IN THITH CATEGORY! THITH ITH INTHANE! WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I JUTH LITHPED AND LEFT MY MOUTH ALONE? I AM NOT WEARING BRATHES. I'M TOO VAIN!" 

(Now you see why I never noticed my teeth didn't meet - this is actually how I talk, and my mouth is never shut.)

Long story short, I now wear a retainer, and have for a month. This is "step one" in the dental category of "long-term dental work", which also equals LOTS OF MONEY.

I have refused the braces. Unless my bite gets so bad that I can't speak or eat, I'm not doing it. Plain and simple. 

Tomorrow I go back again, this time I am being fitted with a device that I may wear for a year or so. This will be like an interior bite guard on my back teeth. It is removable, but they told me I need to learn to eat and drink with it in. You know what this device is supposed to do? The EXACT same thing the other one ended up doing, (making my teeth grow down), only now we hope my front teeth, instead, will grow down. 

The more I think about it, the more I worry that I may end up becoming all-teeth! I mean, how much can my front teeth grow down, and how long will that take? Will I look like Peter Rabbit? Maybe I'll only look like one of the Osmond Family. Well, they have money at least, but heck, they're Mormons and they all have like, 47 kids. I don't want that, either.

So, I know why I am being karmic-ally paid back. I keep playing it over and over again in my mind. I remember this: All those years that my poor brother and sister suffered from crooked teeth and I would say to them, casually, looking down my nose at their lesser-teeth, "Aren't I lucky I got MOM'S smile instead of Dad's?" (Then of course, I'd smile and walk away to rub it in). Or, when dental people would say, "Wow, you've got GREAT teeth! Do you know how many people would pay to have those teeth?" I'd smile and say, "Why yes, I do know, thanks. AND I'VE NEVER HAD BRACES!"

Never say never, Peter Cottontail Othmond.  

That'thhhhhh All, Folkth.