Pre-Motherhood: The Glorious Days of Being a Diva and a DINK

I am 45 years old, and I have two kids - one aged six and one aged two and a half.

Having two very young kids at this age means one, (or all), of the following:

a.)  That there's a steep possibility that I'll be in a walker for the toddler's high

         school graduation

         b.)  That I'll be taking a "dirt nap" during the toddler's high school graduation

         c.)  Or it simply proves that I am absolutely and completely just plain nuts.

         d.)  All of the above

Anyway, up until the kids came in to my life three years ago, I lived the lifestyle of a "childless woman," and was part of a "childless couple" (otherwise known as "DINKs" - Dual Income, No Kids).

Looking back on those glory days, I merely dream and refer to that time in my life as my "WHEN-I-USED-TO-BE-A-DIVA-AND-DIDN'T-KNOW-IT" period.

I lived a long and (sometimes) glorious life as a woman with no responsibilities other than my job and the care of my home and being married. (Oooh, now that I'm reading this, that's quite a lot of responsibility that I did not give myself credit for. Reminder to self: Don't underestimate the importance of your life "BC" (Before Children). 

Either way, I realized that in my previous life BC, I did not even come close to any understanding of what it was like to be responsible for the care and feeding of young humans, as I shockingly soon learned. The only way you can learn such a thing? TRIAL BY FIRE. Once you've got the kids, there's no giving them back, so you are in it for the long haul. This is really where the term "Live and Learn" comes in to play. I am pretty darn sure now that I knew almost absolutely nothing BC that could prepare me for "LACK" (or Life After Children or Kids). That's what it is alright. "LACK" of everything.

In my BC days, (and I'll only talk about the "BC" in terms of the marriage), I actually got to SLEEP IN. I mean, on weekends, like until NOON if I wanted! In BC life, If I wanted to have a full and meaningful conversation on the phone with someone, there were no interruptions! I could actually speak on the phone, in full sentences, and not worry about saying something someone might overhear and repeat, or tangle themselves in my long kitchen phone cord!  

In BC life, I actually got to BE SICK and take care of me! Oh, gosh, I remember being ill many times BC, and that meant that  I got to stay in my jammies, stay in bed, eat when the mood struck me, wallow in self pity, eat chicken soup, RELAX in order to get well to take care of me! Now, there is absolutely NO sickness on my part, and well, if I happen to be ridiculous enough to claim illness, no one cares! No kids care that you are sick! You can't stay in bed, sipping chicken broth and watching your favorite TV shows or movies. Now when sick, I lie dying on the couch, because I actually still, even in dire illness, must WATCH THE CHILDREN! I have to get up to change pull ups, wipe bottoms, fill cups with apple juice, watch some darn PBS Sprout show just to keep them quiet so I can get five minutes rest before they ask for the next thing they need. Oh, and don't try to vomit in privacy. Kids think it is an amazing feat to see Mommy hanging over the toilet and hurling her lunch. They ask questions as if they were in school and I am a living, breathing example of a science project. "Wow, Mom, why ya doin' that? Wow, are you gonna die? Is your whole belly gonna come out through your mouth?"

BC, I actually used to go to bed at 9:00 every night because I needed my "beauty sleep." If I didn't get a solid nine to ten hours of sleep, I was a monster and my skin looked horrid. Now in LACK, I do absolutely everything I can to run my kids ragged so they will be exhausted by 7:30 pm so I can get them in bed and asleep by 8:00 pm. This is when I crawl into my bed, book or computer in hand, or remote control ready, all so I can catch up on the stuff I never get to do all day in the LACK life in the QUIET house! (Actually, I never realized how amazing a QUIET house was until LACK). As a matter of fact, in LACK, I am the most tired I've ever been in my entire life, day after day after day, but I no longer care about beauty sleep. I care now only about Alone Time (or "AT"). I often stay up until 2:00 am, reading, writing, watching TV or solving  Sudoku puzzles. (Sudoku is the only way I know that I can be sure that my mind is actually still able to solve problems other than the ever popular "Mom, he won't stop lookin' at me!" issue. Sudoku makes me feel brilliant!) Every night I tell myself this exact thing: "I AM GOING TO BED AND GOING TO SLEEP WHEN THE KIDS GO TO BED. EIGHT PM, I'M ASLEEP." It never fails that at 11:37 pm every night, I look over at the clock and say, "I'm still up, it's 11:37 pm" and instead of going to sleep, I type the time into the "What's On Your Mind" area on the stupid Facebook profile page I'm looking at on my laptop. After I tell all my "friends" on Facebook that I'm "still awake", I usually take some brilliant Facebook test just for fun: "What Country in Europe Are You?" or, better yet, "Which Peanuts Character Are You?"  Gosh, in my BC life, I never needed to know what Peanuts character I was. What makes me need to do that now? Actually, it is a way to connect with anyone out there who does not want or need me to wipe the boogers out of their nose or change their "pee-pee pull up." 

Speaking of boogers and pull ups, this brings to mind one thing. 

With children, your dignity and sense of self go right out the window. It's a fact of life. 

I used to never leave the house without makeup, without brushing my hair, or God Forbid, a stain on my clothing.

That has all changed. I actually remember MY special life-altering moment when that loss of dignity happened. I was a new mom, but had been one long enough that I had by then changed lots of diapers and had been been thrown up on quite a bit. No biggie. At this point, I was vain enough that I was still trying to fit in a good hot bath at night and a possible shaving of my legs for me. Well, one day, my daughter - a kid with big-time allergies - was resting quietly in her baby carrier as I was perusing the cookie aisle at the local grocery store. As she was laying angelically in her carrier, propped on the shopping cart facing me, she sneezed. 

Well, this wasn't just any sneeze. It was a sneeze like I'd never experienced before - as a matter of fact, I didn't know sneezes like this existed anywhere in the universe until that very moment! That baby sneezed - and I kid you not when I tell you that at least a half a gallon of mucous came flying out of her nose and mouth, aimed, of course, at me - and it covered me and completely covered her face. She looked like she'd run through a field of runny scrambled eggs, face first. There was so much mucous that it actually covered her mouth - looking like she might suffocate in snot.  As I gasped and gagged (then looked around in the store to see if anyone actually SAW this disgusting mess happening to ME), I had two thoughts at that very moment:

      1). I have no tissues or anything of that nature with me right now in my purse.

      2). If I don't do something right away, she'll suffocate in her own  mucous and 

   might die.

That was my moment. I remember it like it was yesterday, and when I see it in my mind it plays back in slow motion, just like I am watching a movie - except this time I'm in the movie, and I'm the hero!  I watch myself reach down, grab the bottom of my lovely shirt that I put on special, just to go to the grocery store, (no stains yet!) and lift it up high enough for all the world to see my belly, and wipe a half a gallon of mucous off of my kid's face on to my stain-free shirt. I wiped and wiped and wiped, covering my lovely shirt in baby mucous. When my darling little angel was finally free from possible "suffocation by nose explosion", I looked down at my shirt, then at my hands. I knew then, as I still know now, "I'll never be the same." That day,  I crossed a line. The mucous line, but still, a line. After that experience, all vanity, pride, and a life of "stain free living" went out the window. 

I no longer care if I have lipstick on; I'm too tired to try and pretend to look good or care if I look good.

I no longer own anything in the way of clothing that doesn't have a stain on it.

I no longer care at all if my legs are shaved. As a matter of fact, by the time my toddler graduates from high school, if I am not dead, or not in a walker, I may be in a circus sideshow as "Maureen the Magnificent Bearded Leg Lady!"

I get no sleep.

I make no sense to anyone - not even my kids - and Sudoku is getting harder and harder to solve, but I know that Dora the Explorer carries a map, and her Cousin Diego carries a camera! 

I'll never eat a warm meal again for at least another 15 years, and I'll never get to sit through a whole meal without having to get up to get for something for someone else.

I'll never get a whole phone conversation in uninterrupted, and I'll spend all my time watching kid's television shows when I really want to be watching repeats of "Law and Order: SVU."

I'll forever watch what I say, try not to swear, and continue to answer with "Because I said so, that's why."

I'll never sit on the couch and watch a whole season of a TV show on DVD from start to finish again just to "catch up", and I'll never get to wallow in illness or vomit without the aide of an audience.

Ahhh, the life of a DINKy Diva...how wonderful it was to be ALL ABOUT ME!

You know what? When it comes down to it, I miss some things about life BC very much - mostly the sleeping in - but I wouldn't change what I have now in my LACK life for anything in the world. 

I get a second chance at living a happy childhood with my kids; I get to live life every day and see it  fresh through the eyes of two really cool kids.  I get to fix boo-boos, wipe tears, cheer them on, hate school bullies again, read cool bedtime stories, and go sledding. Trees look prettier, worms are totally cool again,  and spiders are bad! Best of all, I get to try and make someone ELSE's life a little better, a little more meaningful, and a lot happier. That someone else? The Maureen who used to live in her BC world. She LACKS for nothing anymore. 

Being a Diva for me was fun for a while; but I'd rather be a mom, all day every day. The pay ain't great, but the rewards are many.  

OH Lord. It's exactly 11:37 p.m., and I haven't even been on Facebook yet. Gotta let everyone know I'm okay via the "What's On Your Mind" profile thingie.

I'd better go. I SWEAR, tomorrow "I AM GOING TO BED AND GOING TO SLEEP WHEN THE KIDS GO TO BED. EIGHT PM, I'M ASLEEP." Really.